Saturday, May 30, 2009

Brighter than Sunshine

II

“When happiness fades and love fails, the future still remains.”

The city’s convoluting traffic will definitely make anyone frustrated if not furious. It’s a Monday and everybody seems to be on the road. Annoying car horns coupled with the noise of speeding vehicles is a sure ball for one’s headache. Adding insult to injury is the humid weather which does not only cause a pungent feeling but also makes temperatures heat up. However all these add up, Alex seems not to care. The taxi’s struggling air conditioner doesn’t matter to him. He’s busy reminiscing everything that happened a couple of Saturdays ago. And a bittersweet smile appeared on his perspiring face.

Like every after-event party, Alex with her closest colleagues, would stay until the brink of dawn. That’s their way of celebrating a successful project. Planning an event for big-time clients day after night is not as easy as it looks like. Aside from the fact that you have to be socially in-the-know of today’s hippest places, coolest happenings and trendiest people, you also need to consider a series of sleepless nights and some personal life sacrifices. In return, Alex and her colleagues get free B’s- boys, bong and booze. They get to enjoy the moment.

This particular night, they decided to go bar-hopping instead of staying on the same place they organized the Octoberfest event. As always, they danced, drank and drowned themselves from fleeting momentarily ecstasy. Alex seemed to be the only one in the group sober. He headed to the bar to get a drunken friend’s request. Upon returning with a bottle of iced water on his hand, he realized his friend nowhere to be found. He started to worry thinking what might happen to his friend who’s not only drunk and miserable but alone and unsafe. He began to get cold chills inside a steamy crowded bar.

“You better stop worrying. You’re starting to look like Aling Dionesia.”, a moreno stranger slightly taller than him approached.

“Who?”, he said back, frowning.

“Aling Dionesia?! Mommy Pacquiao!” the stranger shouted, thinking he wasn’t heard due to the uber-noisy background.

“No, I know. I meant who are you?” Alex shouted back.

“Oh I’m sorry. I’m Vince. And you’re Alex, right?”

“Yeah. How did you know?”, he answered confused.

“I was talking to your friends a while ago. You were too busy thinking of something else. Or someone else.”, Vince answered beaming.

Alex remembered Vince now. He was in the center of a big group on the other side of the bar. He caught glimpses of some of them flirting with Vince. He is quite the party-goer. All seemed interested with him including one of Alex’s friends who made an effort to get Vince into their group and have a quick chat.

“I’m so worried with my friend. He’s so drunk and I’m sure he can’t go home by himself.” Alex confessed to Vince.

“No problem. You stay here, I’ll be back and you’ll fall in love with me!”

Alex wanted to leave already after hearing those words but the idea of a daring hope promised by a stranger made him stay. While waiting, he caught Vince’s clique staring at him looking annoyed. He knew they felt Vince is wasting the party mood to an unworthy plea.

“Here, I got hold of him”, Vince returned, handing him a phone with his friend on the other line. Alex talked to his friend for a few seconds and found out that he went out with one of Vince’s friends. “See, I told you, you shouldn’t have worried.”, Alex said smiling.

“Thanks. For the effort.”, Alex can’t think of any other words to say.

Vince just stared at him for a moment and then said “Let’s get outta here!”

Upon leaving the bar’s curtains that served as doors, they both walked side by side on the nearby street. Vince lit a cigarette and start puffing.

“I still can’t believe you would do that for me. I mean, you were with your friends partying. And you ditched that to help a stranger? Wow, there’s still good people left on earth pala!”, Alex said ecstatically.

“So is this the part that you’ll fall in love with me?”, Vince asked with a naughty grin on his face.

Alex remained silent. He can’t keep on doing anything but to smile back to Vince who’s so braggingly cute.

“Oi, you’re totally falling in love with me!” Vince added, now laughing.

Alex answered, “Of course not! Not today.” He’s still smiling.

After a few laughs, Vince stopped talking and just stared at Alex who is busy surveying the street occupied with gimmick people. Alex caught him glancing at him and said with a serious face, “Why, are you falling in love with me?”

Vince just made a soft laugh first before whispering, “God you’re cute.”

“Oh my, you’re totally falling in love with me!”, Alex continued jokingly.

They roared with laughter. They seemed to be two kids happily watching a clown show. They didn’t care whether or not the passersby’s would think of them as crazy party-people who are high on illegal drugs. They didn’t care if their laughs are even louder with the trans-music airing on the background. They didn’t care on anything, anyone. All that matters is this moment. The single picture they’re hoping would last a memory’s lifetime nevertheless knowing it just can never work.

After the laughs came the kiss. Then they said goodbye.

“Sir, this is your stop.”, the taxi driver told Alex. Alex woke from what seems a day dream only that it’s real. How can one sane person let go of this opportunity? Vince may be tangible but how come he seems so far from real? Thoughts twirl on Alex’s head. All he knows is that he’s tired of his work and needs some sense of fulfilment. Neither a tiring unsatisfying event-organizing job nor a boytoy Vince, who doesn’t care about the future, could ever fulfill, unfortunately.

Upon getting out of the cab, he took his first glance at the building of his new job. Even though he knows that happiness fades and love may fail, his future still remains.

To be cont’d




Saturday, May 23, 2009

Brighter than Sunshine

I

“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.”

“I can do this”, Alex keeps muttering to himself as he pours the heated water on his bathroom’s pail. It was almost the end of December and he needed warmth when he splashes water into his overly exhausted body. While checking if the temperature of the liquid is enough to sustain the coldness he’s feeling, he couldn’t help but think if he’s really ready for what’s about to happen. Today seems an ordinary day for everyone, but not for Alex. Today is when he decided to quit his job and break-up with his boyfriend.

After graduation 5 years ago, Alex had a strong vision of what he would be like. He pictured himself doing something he’s so passionate about. He imagined himself waking up with deep excitement for what the day holds for him. And in every pixel of that picture he saw a gleeful smile of contentment inkling on every inch of his face. Alex joined the working world earlier than anyone. His enthusiasm for the job he chose made everyone thought he is perfectly fit for this profession. He also thought so.

He must’ve stayed for comfort and familiarity. Day after day, he’s been doing the same work. It was enjoyable at first but time passed and it wore him off. There is no challenge. There’s no waking up and being excited. Instead it was replaced by boredom and monotony. Passion is gone. The picture he created just years ago seems so difficult to grasp now. He started to wonder what life has in store for him beyond closed doors. For months, he weighed his options. Is he really prepared to take chances?

That afternoon, everything went well as Alex had planned it. His supervisor accepted his resignation and wished him nothing but luck on any endeavours he wishes to take. His colleagues were sad of his decision but can do nothing but support him. As he left the building he served for 5 years, he took one last glance at how his life had been working here. A bittersweet smile appeared on his face.

“So, how was it?” Owen asked his boyfriend as soon as they enter a familiar burger joint. Going here was his way of showing his boyfriend not to be sad, it’s the right decision and everything will be okay.

Owen and Alex were college classmates. They belonged in different cliques. Alex is free-spirited while Owen is a loner. One time during a practical science class, they were assigned to work as a team. Never did they think this was the start of a blooming relationship. School activities, homeworks, thesis - all came and they cannot be separated. Their differences complimented each other. Not long after their first school project, they labelled their relationship official. It was both their first. For sure they had up’s and down’s but they were able to make through it. It’s a give-take relationship. Alex has his own life and so is Owen. It’s what we can call an “ideal relationship”.

“I know it’s your favourite restaurant, that’s why”, he whispered. But Alex kept silent as he had been upon ordering. As they were halfway through their meal and still no words from Alex, “You know babe, it’s ok to cry. I wouldn’t mind. You loved your job.”

“That’s the thing. I don’t love it anymore.” Those were the first words Alex calmly said the entire night. And he continued,

“I don’t love you anymore.”

It’s as if the restaurant fell silent. All the mumbling of people and rustling of plates seemed to die down. Alex thought of adding more words, a possible explanation to what he said but he can’t think of any. He’s just left staring at Owen’s blank expression. For the first time together, he saw Owen, his boyfriend with a vacant emotion, neither a smile nor tears coming from his face. And for the first time, he can’t figure out what Owen is thinking.

“Do you want me to explain?” he silently asked him.

“I think I know” he answered quietly.

For a couple who have been together for so long and breaking up, they were so civilized and calm. People seating near their table might think they’re just having an ordinary conversation.

“I feel lost and need to understand myself. I love us but I feel I have to let go.”

For sure there were signs of this happening, months ago. Owen is not blind not to see Alex always feeling stressed out. For many years of being together, he already felt what Alex has been emotionally going through. He was even the first one to know Alex is unhappy. And he thinks that staying into the relationship will just worsen it. He has prepared himself for this situation. He is ready to let go.

“Just promise me one thing Alex?” he asked. “Promise me you’ll be happy.”

To be cont’d