A Gay CAn Dream

I close my eyes, then I drift away, into the magic night I softly say. A silent prayer, like dreamers do, then I fall asleep to dream my dreams of you. – Roy Orbison

I’ve been having weird dreams lately. Funny thing is, every one of them has solid endings. I don’t get those cliché cliffhangers before waking up. Like how an entire TV show played its series finale without showing the credits. Like how an author finished a novel without an epilogue. I am in rage. I find it totally unfair not to give me a chance to make my own interpretation of my dreams, more so not being able to create my own endings.

But nothing is really fair, is it? Karma is only consequential to situations that already happened, to things that we already did. The real question still remains. After all the failed relationships, lost friendships, broken dreams. All the heartaches, the downhills and rock bottoms:

Do we deserve it?

You may make good life choices, at least you think they are. You enter into a relationship. You feel you deserve this person. Afterwards, you find yourself in unpleasant situations all the time. Why? Is it karma? No, it’s fate. Because even if you have a choice, it can and will be taken away from you. We're all fate's bitches. We might as well go ahead and bend over for destiny now.

It’s not even desperation. But when you find no answer, you lose hope. You feel like you're the only one in the world who's struggling, who's frustrated, unsatisfied, or barely getting by. It’s just but human nature to long for that piece of raylight who can help us. Who can remind us that it won’t always be this way.

Comparison is worst when you’re at the base of the wheel. You try to figure out for an explanation behind all the unjustice. If he can have a perfect life, why the fuck can’t you? Sometimes, there is nothing harder but be happy for somebody else’s happiness.

As a result, denial creeps into you. You deny that you’re jealous, you’re scared, and how badly you want your dreams to come true. The most terrible thing is when you deny that you’re in denial. You only see what you want to see and believe what you want to believe, and it works. You deny so much that you can't recognize the truth anymore.

It just does make no sense. Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. After all, feelings are unexplainable. They happen just to make you all confused. They drive you around for hours and then leave you right where you started, grasping for more questions.

So I dream. I wake up every day with list of dreams a mile long and maybe, I spend my life trying to make those dreams come true. Then again, the universe will get everything all screwed up. Chance, chaos, coincidence, and all that jazz. I can exert all effort but there’s no assurance I can get an inch closer to absolute happiness. At the end of the day, it all boils down to fate. And if I’m lucky, I mean if I’m the luckiest person on this entire planet, the ending for my dreams can be created by me.

Tu-mi-Trending

Looking back at the year that was, I’d say there were a few events worth remembering. So before all those TV networks compete for airtime to show their year-ender specials, I already have come up with a list of all the happenings and the non-happenings, the shakers and the breakers and; the life-changing stories of 2011 that somehow, I must admit, in one way or another, touched my heart. And P.S. this is in no order, whatsoever.

I. Angel’s Birth

Nothing can ever compare to the smile of a newly born baby. It’s the only zero percent chemical, non-carbonated, less-fattening, and anti-oxidant stress reliever ever created. My nephew was brought to us in such a perfect timing that everyone in the family are completely prepared and capable to handle such bundle of joy. Loving a baby is unrequited. You just love and you don’t expect anything in return. Which all adult relationships tend to lack in the area.

II. Escape to Puerto

Have you heard a joke but you couldn’t remember because you are just laughing so hard trying to at least recall it? That’s how I can recap this one helluva summer getaway. My friends and I were just like little kids playing in a big bathtub. Everything we do is just for fun. Everywhere we look, we find the funniest pranks. Sure the 3 day-2 night vacation ended, but the bond just got stronger. I may have separation anxiety, but this one is for keeps.

III. 365 days of Timeline

They say people change. Well, those people do not belong in my clique. ‘Cause we stay. No matter how difficult the odds are. This year is not all about me, but also to all those gossip-worthy friends I have. Dex gave an ultimatum to X. When X didn’t follow the rule, Dex put a period on their on-off relationship. Now, he is officially in a his-and-his matchy-matchy spoon and fork-ship. BF stayed in Middle East amidst all the war. Even though Benet got scared, he fought for their long-time commitment. He stayed faithful. And because of that, he now has a BB phone. Kirk finally found his One. But not after a lot of crying games. His hopes didn’t fail him. As for Vivas, he returned to us, location-wise. And oh, before I forget, he got devirginized. Ain’t all that deserve a cheers?!

IV. High-est Party

December has always been special to my heart. With my father working overseas, I always look forward to this month only because it means reunion. That has been my thinking since childhood. My birthday falling on the same season is just an icing on top of the most fabulous cake. There are no mixed reviews. Everyone agrees that this was the party of the year. I was put on the party pedestal. That I definitely set the bar so high in terms of celebrating birthdays. And that for me, is the biggest compliment.

V. Riding in roller-coaster-cars with Boys

The roller coaster of first dates, the time I spent making myself look hot in chatrooms and, the draining process of selections all in the hope that you might find the love of your life. It is tiring, mind you. I tried to go down the road of cliche’ness and flirted, had coffee, saw a movie. Also, I boldly went to the daring and had sex for the sake of sex only. But none of these placed me to the front row of happily ever after. I was left by the ride, almost have thrown up, but very much alive. Some were born to be a good lover. And a few, myself included, were probably born to be a good other... than a lover.

***

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” Charles Dickens hit it right in every aspect of the word. The year’s events will surely be remembered, but not the heaven that it brought to me. Heaven is being with family and friends who act like family. I may not be riding in a loveboat anytime soon, I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’m in a relationship with myself for 28 years, for Christ’s sake! And I will not dare cheat on it for anything.

The Crush, The Conflict, and The Cherky Lang

“Carrie: I do not pick the wrong guys. They pick me.
Miranda: So what, you're like a flystrip for dysfunctional men?
Carrie: Yeah, but one of those really pretty floral scented ones.”

--Sex and the City

I beg to disagree Ms. Bradshaw, but I think of myself otherwise. I’m more of an ambition than a trap. Quoting the New Age lingo: I am choosy. However awful the selections are, I still set standards. Egotistic much? Ah! Who am I kidding. Maybe Carrie’s right. Maybe I am that big of a magnet who repels guys I like and attracts the rest that are... what’s the term? Dysfunctional.

The Crush

I’m not talking about Atom Araullo. Yeah, he’s been my childhood dream of a boyfriend. There’s something about his intelligence that tingles my inner senses. But no can do. He’s as straight as a disco stick. So I had to come up with a replacement on the same industry. He may be one level below of him on every aspect but the charm, oh the charm, on this guy is just so palpable. It started online, chatting for 2 straight-kilig-to-death hours. We talked about our families, about our lives, about our education. But most of the chatting was focused on news and current events. After a while it got boring, ended, with me suddenly realizing, why didn’t he get my number? Maybe he thinks it’s too fast. Maybe he got intimidated with me, after all. Then it hit me, with no denial, implicit and plain: Maybe, he’s just not that into me.

The Conflict

Situation number 1 – Would you ever fall in love with your bestfriend’s ex? Harsh, right? But what if, the tides turn and you see the waves on you? Same situation but the characters play different roles. Enter Situation number 2: You had the most awful break-up with your boyfriend. You were vulnerable, that’s understandable, needs a shoulder to cry on. Apparently, this shoulder happens to be your ex-boyfriend’s bestfriend. Why was he there, you started to wonder. Why did he care, you couldn’t help but ponder. Now, the crying has gone and he’s still there. This time to make you smile. Impervious to humane emotion, your human heart started beating. Yet you’re afraid to check it, scared to know who is it beating for. Would you be decent to follow the social norm? Stop the beating heart? Granting that Stop is one direction that’s hard to follow.

The Cherky Lang

If only there’s one fuck buddy assigned to each person, then the world would be a happy place to live in. No kidding. That’s the premise. Now the conflict is when the buddy begins to ask for something more, say, a romantic relationship. Disaster, right! How hard would it be to just get hard and lie on top of me? Strings are not supposed to be attached and the only benefit you have as friends is to satisfy cravings for both libidos. Even Love is multiples pages away from Sex in the Webster’s dictionary, for Christ’s sake. Can’t a guy like me get an amazing sex-for-the-sake-of-sex only? Am I a shouting “Please love me!” kind-of-person during orgasms? So I stopped the buddy system. I cannot bear thinking that this guy pounding me restless, is also restless thinking of me as a boyfriend. I know, it’s not so General Patronage to say but I just don’t want him to expect more, from this sex and from me. I left, as horny as ever, and instead of a lay-down, I lay-low for a while.

***

I met guys. Some I attract. Others attract attention. And the rest are just goddamn attractive! To filter them all would be challenging, god forbid I don’t even know how to start the selection. The past few days taught me a thing or two about riding. I sit on a vehicle, searching for the destination. Having flair with the dramatics, I over-emote whenever the road gets bumpy. And who cares, if I reach the goal? Because for what it’s worth, drama or not, I have enjoyed every minute of it.

A Little Too Late

“At the end of yet another failed relationship... you have to wonder, what’s it all worth?” – Carrie Bradshaw

I have to admit, I never believed something could end even before it started. A hard realization that caught me offguard, entangling my inner core of wondering. Was I wrong? Was he? It doesn’t matter. What’s more important is the story that’s left behind. A tale, I daresay, worth telling.

Happy Pepé

He found me attractive in a pack of strangers. Honestly, I don’t consider myself unique-looking. But he thought of me as a fun-loving individual, full of life and energy. And when we talked, there were sparks, I have to say. So boom! Infatuation starts. We started dating. The cliché goes on... dinner and movies. Movies then dinner. And chocolates. Endless texting. Hugs and kisses. We were not official, but it feels like we were. How happy it is to consume love in all its simplicity! Oh did I mention “love”? Yes, I did. ‘Cause it’ll be a start of something struggling.

The Popoy-Basha Remake

Things have changed since the annunciation. What’s ironic is I never regretted saying it. It’s just what I feel. Problem is, he’s not happy anymore. There was a lot of talking. We argued, not for hate, but because we love each other. Conditions were laid out, thinking that compromising may be our best friend to solve this undeniable situation. I love the chase – it excites me. Makes me separate what is valuable from those that are trashy. However, this chase is different. You hope that the sun will come out after the storm, but deep inside, you know you’re in for a long rainy season.

A Little Too Late – not!

The sun peaked, for sure. But just for a moment. He didn’t let me suffer long enough before he made a decision. So it ended, just like that. Funny is, these all happened in two months. Felt like riding a rollercoaster on a whirlwind of romance, only to see yourself falling after the ride, singlehandedly. Everything was clear, except for his mind. Well, I couldn’t negate on that. For eight weeks I told him if he can wait, he agreed everytime. Sometimes, I question, if I had said the 3-word-8-letter a little earlier, would we still be together? Is the rollercoaster ride going to turn to a smooth-spaceship sailing to clouds of happiness? Or will the ride be as twice more bumpy and we end up hurt and deeply wounded?

Maybe the need for companionship is strong enough to overrule any other emotion. Life seems much blacker without someone to share it with. But living continues regardless, and I abide.

Go Big Time!

“Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.”

Korean Ramen

I see her standing next to me in this line of crowded applicants. All 5’5”, 160 lbs of her. Easily noticeable out of this pack of hungry vultures waiting for their fate in what we call as job-hunting. It has been 6 hours and I’m craving for anything to devour my gustatory senses. But even before I start to complain dying from starvation, I couldn’t help but wonder, if I’m extremely famish, how the hell is this girl holding up?

She’s like the queen of the ramen – Korean Ramen. Bland but tangy, I suppose. I don’t know but there’s something that wants to come out from her simplicity. How it would be easier if I just ask, but I’m not the kind of person who approach.

Until she said “Do you have a light?”, her eyes pointing at me.

Potato-chip Chocolate

I don’t consider myself as the typical chain smoker. In fact, I don’t consider myself a smoker at all. But you just couldn’t prevent those thought-provoking situations where you’re all alone and a 2½ inch cigarette stick is the only thing to accompany you on your moments of solidarity. Point is, I always have a lighter with me. This time, I’m puffing smoke with somebody else.

Everyone has their own excess baggage. But nothing can compare to this girl. When she started talking, I really didn’t even notice the details. At first, all I hear is blah-blah. But she is making sense. She gossiped about how she found about the job opening, how the interview went this morning, so on and so forth. She even went far from the sale in the nearest mall, how traffic sucks in Edsa and, when was the last time she met a celebrity.

Ordinarily, one can easily get annoyed to her type. When I was about to, she seems to posses this magical aura to change your disliking. She knows how to sugar-coat a junk. Exactly like a potato-chip chocolate, she can be addictive.

Paella Valenciana

To be honest, I am not a glutton. God, I barely weigh 120 lbs. I’d like to think observing satisfying cuisine is my way of devouring to all I dreamed of eating. Haven’t we all experienced desiring for a specific food at a certain point in time? What’s unexplainable is we just crave for it on a limited amount of time and when that time passes by, we crave no more.

Just when I thought I would never be surprised, this girl is a lot to handle. It has been hardly 10 minutes that we started chatting and she is opening about her family background. Quite unusual to ordinary people, her story is very typical to teleserye audience. Her dad left them for a mistress. Her mother, scorned as ever, wasn’t able to handle her 4 kids’ basic necessities. Some were given to relatives, others stayed with their mom. And this girl I’m talking with, left for Manila.

Despite all that, she remains family-oriented, much like the all-time Filipino winner Paella Valenciana. She went on and on how much she loves her mother. How she would do everything to her siblings. How everything doesn’t matter except family.

Her eyes now somewhat teary and voice a bit raspy. I must admit, her big built conveys strength.

French Parfait

More like the must-love French Parfait, she loves with no boundaries. As exaggeratingly as it sounds, she’s no holds-barred. Hearing her love story, it almost seems that guys are so disposable. She was heartbroken by many, lived in with two and, almost got married with one.

I, for one second, wondered if she gave up on love but no, she continues to be a hopeless-romantic. She still believes there’s one man destined to be with her no matter what. She could care less if she’s already in mid-thirties. Fate hits every age.

Twenty-minutes is all we've got before the next interview so we wasted it chatting. I came to love her, err not romantically but in pure platonic essence. I realized there's more to people than judging their appearance. Yes, her weight is as enormous as her personality but so what, I call it Flabulous.

Post-script

After the one-day process application, the results were shown. She got in, I did not. After all her rowdy noise, amidst her loud-color dress and, her irritatingly boisterous laugh, maybe it’s her vulnerability that struck the HR. Or probably it’s just the fats. Then I started to ponder, the next time I order a Mcdonalds meal, maybe I should “Go Big Time”.

Bitter, much?