"It's not you, it's me" and "You deserve more"

Monday, January 18
The Premonition

“I am preparing myself for something I know should be done for the right reasons. You may call it scrawny for me to message you this way. But I just want things to be arranged properly. I will let you know when time permits.”

Surprisingly, the Facebook message came as no surprise to me. It’s weird ‘cause I felt like I’ve been expecting it all this time. Of course, the denial part in me still wants to prove if what I just read is real and not just a spam mail. So I sent a text message:


Me: Babe, did you sent me a message in FB?
Him: Yeah I did. I need to talk to you about something. Let’s try to meet up within the week.
Me: I think I know what it is. Let’s just do this asap, please.
Him: Wednesday morning ok with you? Over breakfast?
Me: Ok.



Tuesday, January 19
The Explanation

Why is it that when you’re anticipating something to happen, time just moves so slowly. I needed an explanation for why he’s breaking up with me. And he didn’t disappoint. Another message came through my FB inbox:


Note: This is not the whole message

“...the two years spent with you had been great and meaningful... you were great, terrific actually...”
“... a part of me would like to believe that nobody is at fault... a certain guilt is present inside of me...”
“...i became complacent... a big part of me still cares about you a lot...
“...forgive me...”

No matter how much I thought I prepared myself for this situation, I still found myself crying the whole time I was reading it. The feeling of loneliness is much palpable now. Water worked from my swollen eyes down to the heart that had been beaten by rock on every phrase of that mail.


I couldn’t help but go back down memory lane. Of course, we shared happy moments and yes, those I will deeply treasure. The feeling of certainty that somebody in this big world loves you aside from your family and friends. That after a long and struggling day, you can go to someone who will make it all better.


And sure, there were signs of the break-up happening soon. For the last few weeks, we were probably just both in denial of the coldness of our relationship. We were probably just blinded that it’s just not working anymore. Love stopped growing. The only thing lacking is who will admit and make the first move.



Wednesday, January 20
The Break-up

Him: Sorry, I’m late. Gusto mong kumain?
Me: No, I’m not hungry. Thanks.


(silence)


Me: Why?
Him: I don’t know. I became complacent.
Me: Is it because of me? Something that I did?
Him: No. It’s not you, it’s me.
Me: Do you have somebody else?
Him: No.
Me: So you just fell out of love?
Him: Yes.
Me: Do you have anything more to say?
Him: No. I just think you deserve more.


Travelling back home after the meet-up was the longest trip I had to endure so far in my entire life. On my way there, my cellphone beeped with a text message:


Him: I’m so sorry.


I didn’t reply. I don’t know what to reply. I don’t know if I should reply.


I’m not exactly sure why I was crying the moment I got home. Maybe it was because of the break-up from him and from the good moments we shared together. Maybe it was because I realized I didn’t have a happy ending. Or maybe it was because I’m just afraid of not finding love again.


There’s really no way it can be easy. But the hardest part is when you move on. When you just want to sleep it all off to forget the pain. And maybe, just maybe, in your dreams, you can smile again.


P.S. To all my friends who care, I am not ok. But I will be, I promise.