How are you? I hope your ok. Not that I’m worried since if there’s one thing I know about you is that you are a survivor. It’s true, time flies so fast and so many things have happened from the time I’m writing this and you reading it. I’m not going to make a fuss anymore all the possibilities that can turn out from that one year gap. It’s endless.
Remember when you started your training on your new job? You don’t know anyone. But instead of being scared, you thought this will be the best time to experiment about yourself. True, you are confident but you have insecurities as well. That includes your current relationship. During that time, you knew it was nearing the end but when it’s time to finalize it, you felt the world stumbling down on you. You cried your heart out. Afraid of not finding love again.
Then you met him. He was just one of the crowd during the first few days but after a while, he’s the only one who stand out in your eyes. Blame no one, but the assuming in you thought you can be together. You tried erasing the picture of him being your boyfriend several times but the exact same thoughts keep coming back and wanting for more. You find yourself head over heels for him. Like your adornment for a pair of shoes you once saw while shopping, but whatever you do, still you can’t buy it because it just doesn’t fit your feet. And you promise yourself there will be some other nice shoes some other time.
You may or may not get a job promotion. Actually, I’m not even sure if you’re still in the same company. I guess no one really knows it. As Peyton Sawyer once said in One Tree Hill, “people always leave”. But no matter how you’re used to parting ways, you still get sad everytime you close a chapter. Nonetheless, you still live, however fucked up the situation is. And that’s why I’m proud of you. As the saying goes “The brave may only live once but the cautious will not live at all.”
You, may not be brave. But you are definitely a survivor.
Almost two weeks after the most sought-after controversial break-up since Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt hit the news, I can proudly say that I am now recuperating. I realized to start accepting the fact that in life, there’s always Hello’s, Goodbye’s and the gap in between. It was just that the gap we had from the moment we said hello and goodbye lasted for 1 year and 6 months. And according to an article I read about gay relationships, it’s counted as 5-7 years! So you can just imagine how hard it is for me to let go.
Thanks to Bro I have a job during the process of this so-called moving-on phase. I don’t want to even picture myself just staying at home and not doing anything while recollecting those cheesy moments I had with him. I may have the worst attention span for nothing but this dynamic work made it easy for me to divert my emotions, especially with some newfound friends. They’re just two girls I found the magic of cliquing which is perfect since I’m not really a big-group type of person. Just as I needed, they serve as my vacuum cleaner that absorbs everything I blurt out. Talk about information overload!
The 10th letter
To be honest, I’m not really expecting it anytime right after the break-up. For sure, I didn’t notice him during the first two weeks of training but there he was, capturing my every sense of infatuated attraction. Since it’s not at first sight so, I have to give him repeatedly multiple stares and not until then I was able to tell myself “Yeah, he’s cute!”
Maybe it’s the challenge that keeps me excited. Or just the simple silver piercing on his left ear that makes me wonder if he’s a good boy or what not. Or maybe it’s the subtle narrowing of his upper lip everytime he smiles for picture-taking’s. Whatever it is, it gives me that high-school-ish un-sexual tingling sensation and keeps my heart pounding just as I breathe while whispering “hay....”
You might be asking, what’s the catch? Yes I’m unattached but he is not. Plus, he’s straight, well at least that’s what the press release is. I may be the queen of second thoughts but he is the king of mixed signals. All my years of education can’t seem to find the answer if there’s something between us or I’m just assuming.
What I did is I stopped. Even before the situation gets more difficult for me to control. I maybe single but I don’t think I’m ready to mingle just yet. I don’t have any plans risking my heart be broken again anytime soon. Plus, I have a great intuition that this longing I have is only caused by the V-day fast approaching.I know some would say I might regret my decision and I thought about it too. But then again, he’s not the only letter in the alphabet, anyway.
My Valentine Massacre Plan
I always watch the news everytime I can. But lately, I was secretly wishing PGMA will announce V-day is not happening this year. As to how I’d expect it to hear, here’s a sample snippet:
NEWSFLASH!
Julius Babao:Kapapasok lang na balita, Pangulong Arroyo kinansela ang Valentine’s Day ngayong taon. Para sa mga detalye, live at nasa Malacanang si Alex Aligpala. Alex?
Alex: Julius, andito nga tayo sa Malacanang dahil inanunsyo ni Pang. Arroyo ang pag-kansela niya sa Valentine’s Day ngayong taon. Pakinggan natin ang kanyang speech.
PGMA:Mga minamahal kong kababayan, malugod kong pinagbibigyan ang hiling ng nakararami na kanselahin ang pagdiriwang ng Araw ng mga Puso ngayong taon. Narito ang aking eksplanasyon:
Una, wala namang tayong santo Valentino na puwedeng pag-piyestahan sa ating bansa. Pangalawa, dahil sa kakapusan ng asukal, hindi na makakagawa ng mga chocolates at candies. At ang ikatlo, ang daming masasamang nangyari sa ating bansa nitong nakalipas na mga buwan. Hindi ba dapat mas bigyan natin ng atensyon ang mga isyu na ito kesa sa mga walang kwentang dinner and movie dates? Mag-donate na lang tayo sa mga naapektuhan ng lindol sa Haiti kesa gumastos sa mga hotels o motels? At ilan lang ito sa napakarami pang kadahilanan kung bakit ipinapag-bawal ko ang pagdaraos ng Valentine’s Day ngayong 2010.
At ang pinakahuli at pinakamahalaga, maging sensitibo sana tayo sa iba nating kababayan na dumadanas ng pusong bigo at sawi sa pag-ibig. Hanggat maaari ay huwag nating ipakita na masayang-masaya tayo sa piling ng ating mga kasintahan. Yun lang po, magandang gabi at maraming salamat.
“I am preparing myself for something I know should be done for the right reasons. You may call it scrawny for me to message you this way. But I just want things to be arranged properly. I will let you know when time permits.”
Surprisingly, the Facebook message came as no surprise to me. It’s weird ‘cause I felt like I’ve been expecting it all this time. Of course, the denial part in me still wants to prove if what I just read is real and not just a spam mail. So I sent a text message:
Me: Babe, did you sent me a message in FB? Him: Yeah I did. I need to talk to you about something. Let’s try to meet up within the week. Me: I think I know what it is. Let’s just do this asap, please. Him: Wednesday morning ok with you? Over breakfast? Me: Ok.
Tuesday, January 19 The Explanation
Why is it that when you’re anticipating something to happen, time just moves so slowly. I needed an explanation for why he’s breaking up with me. And he didn’t disappoint. Another message came through my FB inbox:
Note: This is not the whole message
“...the two years spent with you had been great and meaningful... you were great, terrific actually...” “... a part of me would like to believe that nobody is at fault... a certain guilt is present inside of me...” “...i became complacent... a big part of me still cares about you a lot... “...forgive me...”
No matter how much I thought I prepared myself for this situation, I still found myself crying the whole time I was reading it. The feeling of loneliness is much palpable now. Water worked from my swollen eyes down to the heart that had been beaten by rock on every phrase of that mail.
I couldn’t help but go back down memory lane. Of course, we shared happy moments and yes, those I will deeply treasure. The feeling of certainty that somebody in this big world loves you aside from your family and friends. That after a long and struggling day, you can go to someone who will make it all better.
And sure, there were signs of the break-up happening soon. For the last few weeks, we were probably just both in denial of the coldness of our relationship. We were probably just blinded that it’s just not working anymore. Love stopped growing. The only thing lacking is who will admit and make the first move.
Wednesday, January 20 The Break-up
Him: Sorry, I’m late. Gusto mong kumain? Me: No, I’m not hungry. Thanks.
(silence)
Me: Why? Him: I don’t know. I became complacent. Me: Is it because of me? Something that I did? Him: No. It’s not you, it’s me. Me: Do you have somebody else? Him: No. Me: So you just fell out of love? Him: Yes. Me: Do you have anything more to say? Him: No. I just think you deserve more.
Travelling back home after the meet-up was the longest trip I had to endure so far in my entire life. On my way there, my cellphone beeped with a text message:
Him: I’m so sorry.
I didn’t reply. I don’t know what to reply. I don’t know if I should reply.
I’m not exactly sure why I was crying the moment I got home. Maybe it was because of the break-up from him and from the good moments we shared together. Maybe it was because I realized I didn’t have a happy ending. Or maybe it was because I’m just afraid of not finding love again.
There’s really no way it can be easy. But the hardest part is when you move on. When you just want to sleep it all off to forget the pain. And maybe, just maybe, in your dreams, you can smile again.
P.S. To all my friends who care, I am not ok. But I will be, I promise.
If you’re quarter-aged and emotional about it, least you can think of is New Year. Still, making a few resolutions won’t hurt your quarter-life dilemma. Here’s some you can live by:
1. 2010 is election year (in case you don’t watch the news), so X-out the political carelessness. Study who to support for. If you think your one little vote won’t have an effect, think again. What if your candidate lost by a single point, huh? Remember, it’s not jologs to be socially relevant.
2.. X-out the faith apatheticity. Learn how to pray, at least once in a busy day. Do not just ask for requests, try to say thank you as well. Lots of bad things happened this year, right? Gratitude is the least you can give Him back.
3. X-out the family-unconcerning attitude. The only reason they can’t relate to you is because you don’t give them a chance. Bond with them once in a while. Trust me, they’re the only group of people in this world who will love you unconditionally.
4. X-out the bad-eating habits and unhealthy lifestyle. You’re not 14 anymore to eat junkfoods for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Also, a few more months and it’s summer again! The best and least expensive accessory to have is a sexy body.
Pop-culture has a huge influence on me, hence, I have my share of suggestions to improve this craft:
5. X-out to Angelica Panganiban pairing up with Gabby Concepcion. Didn’t she play as his cute little daughter during her child-star days?! And what were they thinking giving Jennylyn Mercado three kids on her soap opera?! X-out to Charice Pempengco. You are great singer but you’re no Sarah Geronimo nor Regine Velasquez so stop acting like you’re a grown-up. Just unbelievable.
6. X-out to the over-rated yet untalented celebrities, who I’m not going to enumerate the names since there’s a lot, both here and Hollywood. The spotlight needs to give way to the under-rated Nico Tortorella (who I think is drop dead hot!), beautifully unique-face Rhian Ramos and, the edgy-not-your-typical-chick-flick (must-watch for ’09) 500 Days of Summer.
7. X-out the baloney Pinoy movies who just care about their box-office success, sacrificing their quality material. Kudos to Ded na si Lolo (which btw is my Pinoy movie of ’09)! Don’t we just love to see more indie films with original themes (not just the ones with gay-meet-gay-plus-conflict storylines)?
I don’t need a zillion friends. I just want to have those who stick no matter what. Here’s what I have in mind for those who did:
8. X-out the old and virginal Kirk. Oops, I think you kinda did “it” already! Good job (if you know what I mean).
9. X-out the pressuring and unworthy job, Benet. If you think you can handle it, go start your own business. Be your own boss. I’ll support you 101 percent.
10. X-out to over-analyzing, emo-graping whatever kilig situation you have now, Dexy. Don’t you think this might be your reward after a traumatic experience? Most you can do is to savor this sweet precious moment while it lasts.
11. Lastly, Vivas: X-out the I’m-happy-being-single-since-birth attitude! OMG the world is begging you to hook-up with someone! You know it’s human to have carnal pleasure and very normal to romantically love another person, my friend.
12. X-out the friends who were just there during fair weather. Especially, those who replaced you with their delusional “love”. What can you say to a person who just threw your 19 years of friendship over a guy he knew like what, 3 months? May your so-called “ever-after” last you a lifetime, Patrick Deocampo. Don’t worry girl, it’ll be the last time I will ever mention your name.
13. X-out to lending money to friends. Giving is okay, that’s if you have something extra. Remember, charity is a totally different word from borrowing. You may not believe me, but it’ll change your relationship in one way or another. Unfortunately for me, it’s a lesson learned from experience.
14.X-out the unnecessary expenses. Impulse buying should not be a choice anymore. Being broke is a big No-No these days. Save at least 10% of your monthly pay. With your age, the future seems very near.
15.X-out the “Work only for a job you love” motto. Confucius may be wise but he ain’t rich. I mean, c’mon let’s be practical. To survive this expensive world, money is everything.
16. X-out to bad fashion(no more loose tops, baggy pants and uber make-up, please!). You must know or feel if it doesn’t suit you. It’s always better to be a setter than be a victim. At the end of the day, it’s still you who can tell if you felt comfy wearing the outfit.
17. X-out the “lazy susan” mentality. Go and get your own meal, for heaven’s sake! Whatever job it is, you need to work your ass off. You know it’s not wrong if you’re working for money ‘cause at least you’re working for something, right?
18. X-out to routines and stagnancy. Being safe is advisable but where will it lead you? It’s not too late to explore the world full of adventure! Be open to suggestions concerning what haircut to have, what to do on your next monthsary, even who to vote for. It’s also up to you if you’ll follow this list (but I’m hoping you do) :)
19.X-out to unconfidence and timidness (if there are even such terms). It’s just ugly to be 25 and anti-social. Express yourself. If you can’t say it, write it or act it out! Believe me, there are plenty of ways. People don’t bite and if they do, who cares?
21.X-out to posing and faking yourself. The reason why it’s called “pretend” is because it should be temporary. Like me, Cherie Gil hates copycats! It may be a horrible world out there but still, it’s real and you need to face it. I mean, how long are you gonna hide, right?
21.X-out to bad romance. Lady Gaga is exaggerating when she sang the song. You’re too old to be “playing love” anymore. Have a genuine one. Leave all those relationship fracas and love dramas to primetime teleseryes.
22. X-out to a sad life. I get that you have problems, but who hasn’t? If there’s one thing in this life I believe in, it’s karma. What goes up must come down. Try to smile. Next thing you know, the world is smiling back at you.
23.X-out to love-selflessness.Being quarter-aged, unconditional love is not an option anymore. What’s more hurtful than love unreciprocated is love unreciprocated by yourself. I mean, your mean of happiness should not only by being loved by someone else. Do things for yourself, things that you like doing. And if you think your love is enough, that’s the time you share it to someone worthy.
24. X-out to the “clean slate” tagline. Come to think of it, nobody really starts from scratch. You need to have a base, a motivation. Treasure all your bad experiences, not just the good ones. Who knows, you might need them as solutions for future problems.
25. Toto, X-out to 25, not the number but the age. I’m officially ticking the quarter-aged box when filling-out forms. Welcome 2010, naughty and nice, may you be a justly giving one to me!
goes by the phrase: perception of the desolate; part-time blogger full-time lover; undeterminable quarter-aged ego still in search of it's own individuality.
feel free to comment. for sometimes, human beings are in dire need of exalted appreciation.
