Brighter than Sunshine

IV

“Everyone’s a dreamer running away high but in the end of it all is a sacred dwelling place.”

The stillness of Baguio’s backdrop seems not enough to calm Alex. The crisp cold air of a February morning contrasts to the emptiness he is feeling. His black coffee and a stranger company are perfect match to a clueless journey he’s undergoing.

“What do you want, Alex?”, asked the stranger.

“I have no clue”, he answered, confused.

“Why are you here, Alex”

“I don’t know”, he replied stuttering.

"Where are you going, Alex?"

“What are you thinking, Alex?”

“Who are you, Alex?”

“Alex..Alex...Alex!”

Kiko woke him up from a dream he himself created. Questions still circling on his head like an enigma stigmatized into his soul. He’s scared not because he’s confused but because he has no answer to any of these questions.

Alex went into hiding exactly 5 months ago now. Kiko has been an activist since he can remember. Alex is full of doubts on what he’s supposed to do while Kiko has a definite plan of action. He conceals while he reveals. Together they help one another on finding the perfect path to their life-long journey.

“Aren’t you tired of fighting for something with no guarantee of it being successful?”, Alex asked Kiko while sipping a cup of coffee for breakfast.

“Why would someone be tired of fighting for something he strongly believes in?”, Kiko answered him while looking on a great view of the city’s hilltop.

“And what do you call of someone who just gave up the fight?”, Alex added another question. “Do you call him weak?”

“No. I say he’s just confused.”, Kiko mildly answered but with a definite tone on his voice.

The two met after a month Alex decided to search for the missing piece of his lost soul. The pristine vista of the coldest place in the country seems to be a seamless location for this so-called undefined expedition. Coming from different polar point of views, they tend to magnetize each other’s ideals and contradictions.

“I envy you Kiko. Everytime happiness is within my reach... feels like I can grasp it... always it slips away. And you remain stable and stay with purpose. I think I’m giving up.”, Alex confessed one day.

“One must know happiness is a state of mind. It can never be found. If you over think, over plan, over do it, never will it come right at you. Everyone’s a dreamer but at some point we all need to wake up.”, Kiko explained preachingly.

After a few moments of silence, when all they can hear are birds chirping and pine trees gushing, Alex suddenly whispered:

“I feel so sad. Loneliness envelopes me...”, Alex seems on the verge of breaking down.

“Let me tell you one thing Alex,” Kiko paused, breathed and continued “I may be concise with my plan but I seek the world answers to my unending questions. Unfortunately for me, time can be so indefinite. And you... you seek your heart the answers to the world’s unending question. Luckily, you know what to do.”

V

“Love burns brighter than sunshine”

While walking the street which leads to his apartment, Alex suddenly realized something. He feels like he’s chasing pavements. All his life he’s searching for something missing, something to make his puzzle complete. A dream job, perfect partner, life’s contentment. Every occupation, all the men, each of the instances occurred to him seem worthless. Until now, he’s still unhappy. Until now he gave up dreaming and moved on to focus on reality. Until now.

When he reached the doorsteps on the foot of the building he lives in, Alex was stunned to see a familiar face waiting. His heart begins to beat faster than usual, a feeling of excitement tingles her senses. Happy and perplexed, he just can’t figure out what to expect.

“I heard you were in the city...” is all Alex can think of saying.

The man answered gently, “I left right after Octoberfest ten years ago. My heart broke when I saw you kissing someone after the party. You were just so happy.”

Alex remembered something, a promise he made years ago. The he continued, “And you also used to be out of the country...”

“I watched you so blissfully with my heart melting. You seem to have figured out what to do with your future. You had your perfect man, your dream job, everything according to plan. That was the moment I decided to let you go.”, the man explained, his emotions clearly shown on his face.

Alex is now struggling not to cry. “Why did you go back?”

“I looked after you in Baguio. It pains me finding you so confused and hurt. I wanted to hold you, comfort you, hugged you so tight until you can feel our hearts beat as one. But I know that was not the right time yet. You had to find yourself first.”

And the man continued looking straight into Alex’s eyes, “Everywhere I go, Alex, I caught up with you.”

Alex can’t hold up his tears now. More than ever, he cried happiness. And he spoke:

“You caught me so many times.”

Owen and Alex stared at each other for a very long time. They feel anxious, worried, afraid of what’s in store for them. But the only thing that matters is now. What’s important is not what’s necessary.

And they kissed until they run out of breath.

We never saw it happening, we’d given up and given in. Feels tied up in ancient history, we didn’t believe in destiny. When we look up someone’s standing next to us. Love burns brighter than sunshine.

- End -

Brighter than Sunshine

III

“It may take two parties to war, but always only need one white flag to end it.”

Almost four hours past his bedtime and still, Alex couldn’t sleep that night. He’s unsure if it’s the sluggish buzzing of the insects on his window porch or the lingering sound of his moving electric fan that’s bothering him. One thing’s for sure, something’s wearing him off. As much as he wanted to doze off, his subconscious body isn’t just cooperating. Feeling tired and restless, he sought to his medicine cabinet a mild tranquilizer to help. But he had second thoughts, afraid his life might be dependent on it. He went back to bed exhausted and fidgety, cling on to a book he never gets tired of reading and small droplets of tears come down from his eyes.

It’s called “The Unexpected”. Indeed it was. It almost came from nowhere. Alex can still vividly remember what exactly happened that momentous afternoon. While reading the book written by his long-time boyfriend, a question still circling into his head- Have the last words been said?

Alex and Brian met and fell in love in the same workplace. They share the same passion for writing. Both are huge believers that words put into paper are the greatest form of art. And that no other weapon is as powerful as an editorial expressively written by its author. As Brian is an old character to the industry, Alex is a first-timer and a subordinate. Needles to say, Brian unreluctantly helped Alex climb into the haul wall of journalism whilst Alex whole-heartedly supported his boyfriend’s long-time dream of becoming a published novelist.

Friends have their hundred percent support on their relationship, some have their doubts if they can sustain a flourishing love they started from mutual interests and, most are painfully realistic to call their relationship parasitical. But four years into the making, Alex and Brian knew they can handle it.

They create a promising happy ending to a cliché fairy tale not knowing that their own story will finish off even before it starts. The fight started after the proposal.

Brian dropped by unannounced at Alex’s place that rainy August afternoon. It seems to him there are some issues unresolved. “I saw lights on through your window, thought you might be working, which by the way is not surprising since I know how hard you work...” His statement seems open-ended, waiting for a response.

“I was just reading your book...”, Alex replied gently, also open-ended.

After a few moments of silence, he added “What happened Brian? What happened to our four years of planning? You said true love always. Have you forgotten?” Now his voice strong and clear, confused and hurt.

“I did not forget. What I did is the opposite of forget. All I want is us – forever. I thought that’s also what you want.” Brian explained calmly.

“It was going so great, everything according to plan. I’ll be editor-in-chief and you will be a published author. Until you came to me three days ago and ambushed me.” Alex is starting to get chills on his voice.

“If by ambushed you mean proposed to you...” Brian responded indignantly now.

“Yeah! A proposal driven by insecurity which I have never been able to understand.” Alex replied, looking confused.

“Here’s how you do it Alex. If someone proposed to you, you say yes. You don’t say no and call them insecure!” Brian strongly justifying his action.

“I didn’t say no. I said I love you but I don’t wanna marry you yet!”

“And when will you be ready? Ten years?! Fifty years?! There’s no right time Alex! I already felt your love fading out on me. I just want to flame it up again...” Brian said stutteringly.

“God Brian, I already feel helpless achieving my dream. How can you add up to my struggle? Of all people, Brian, I just didn’t expect.” Alex replied, now crying. And he added, with conviction on his voice “You gave up on us!”

Have the last words been said? Alex thought, tears now racing down his face.

“I gave up on us?! By proposing, I gave up on us?!” Brian’s angry voice seems to don’t mind the torrential rain pouring outside.

But Alex replied immediately “By not waiting, you gave up on us!”

“No Alex, you gave up on me! You don’t think I can make it as a writer! You think I can’t have my book published!” Brian almost shouted his feelings towards Alex.

“If you think so, then how come every single day of my life, I always read and try to memorize each verses you wrote in here?!” Alex said, strongly gripping the book. “You said I can be great! You said we can be forever! I wished you never said that ‘cause you don’t mean any of it!” Alex is so angry with his words. He can’t help but to throw the book to Brian.

Alex had never been so mad before. His words echoed across the room. Then there came silence. For a moment, the only thing they can hear are the raindrops falling on the roof overhead. For seconds they were able to think clearly. They both know it only needs a single white flag to end this.

Brian broke the silence “I see you’re already packed. You’re really going home.” It was not a question, more of an agreeing statement.

Alex just nodded. He wanted to say something but his tears control his emotion. Tomorrow will be a new day, new job, same him. For once he wanted a defined conclusion to what seems like an unending battle. And he spoke “What’s after this?”

“I think it’s over.” Brian ended crying but clearly.

The last words have been said.

To be cont’d

Brighter than Sunshine

II

“When happiness fades and love fails, the future still remains.”

The city’s convoluting traffic will definitely make anyone frustrated if not furious. It’s a Monday and everybody seems to be on the road. Annoying car horns coupled with the noise of speeding vehicles is a sure ball for one’s headache. Adding insult to injury is the humid weather which does not only cause a pungent feeling but also makes temperatures heat up. However all these add up, Alex seems not to care. The taxi’s struggling air conditioner doesn’t matter to him. He’s busy reminiscing everything that happened a couple of Saturdays ago. And a bittersweet smile appeared on his perspiring face.

Like every after-event party, Alex with her closest colleagues, would stay until the brink of dawn. That’s their way of celebrating a successful project. Planning an event for big-time clients day after night is not as easy as it looks like. Aside from the fact that you have to be socially in-the-know of today’s hippest places, coolest happenings and trendiest people, you also need to consider a series of sleepless nights and some personal life sacrifices. In return, Alex and her colleagues get free B’s- boys, bong and booze. They get to enjoy the moment.

This particular night, they decided to go bar-hopping instead of staying on the same place they organized the Octoberfest event. As always, they danced, drank and drowned themselves from fleeting momentarily ecstasy. Alex seemed to be the only one in the group sober. He headed to the bar to get a drunken friend’s request. Upon returning with a bottle of iced water on his hand, he realized his friend nowhere to be found. He started to worry thinking what might happen to his friend who’s not only drunk and miserable but alone and unsafe. He began to get cold chills inside a steamy crowded bar.

“You better stop worrying. You’re starting to look like Aling Dionesia.”, a moreno stranger slightly taller than him approached.

“Who?”, he said back, frowning.

“Aling Dionesia?! Mommy Pacquiao!” the stranger shouted, thinking he wasn’t heard due to the uber-noisy background.

“No, I know. I meant who are you?” Alex shouted back.

“Oh I’m sorry. I’m Vince. And you’re Alex, right?”

“Yeah. How did you know?”, he answered confused.

“I was talking to your friends a while ago. You were too busy thinking of something else. Or someone else.”, Vince answered beaming.

Alex remembered Vince now. He was in the center of a big group on the other side of the bar. He caught glimpses of some of them flirting with Vince. He is quite the party-goer. All seemed interested with him including one of Alex’s friends who made an effort to get Vince into their group and have a quick chat.

“I’m so worried with my friend. He’s so drunk and I’m sure he can’t go home by himself.” Alex confessed to Vince.

“No problem. You stay here, I’ll be back and you’ll fall in love with me!”

Alex wanted to leave already after hearing those words but the idea of a daring hope promised by a stranger made him stay. While waiting, he caught Vince’s clique staring at him looking annoyed. He knew they felt Vince is wasting the party mood to an unworthy plea.

“Here, I got hold of him”, Vince returned, handing him a phone with his friend on the other line. Alex talked to his friend for a few seconds and found out that he went out with one of Vince’s friends. “See, I told you, you shouldn’t have worried.”, Alex said smiling.

“Thanks. For the effort.”, Alex can’t think of any other words to say.

Vince just stared at him for a moment and then said “Let’s get outta here!”

Upon leaving the bar’s curtains that served as doors, they both walked side by side on the nearby street. Vince lit a cigarette and start puffing.

“I still can’t believe you would do that for me. I mean, you were with your friends partying. And you ditched that to help a stranger? Wow, there’s still good people left on earth pala!”, Alex said ecstatically.

“So is this the part that you’ll fall in love with me?”, Vince asked with a naughty grin on his face.

Alex remained silent. He can’t keep on doing anything but to smile back to Vince who’s so braggingly cute.

“Oi, you’re totally falling in love with me!” Vince added, now laughing.

Alex answered, “Of course not! Not today.” He’s still smiling.

After a few laughs, Vince stopped talking and just stared at Alex who is busy surveying the street occupied with gimmick people. Alex caught him glancing at him and said with a serious face, “Why, are you falling in love with me?”

Vince just made a soft laugh first before whispering, “God you’re cute.”

“Oh my, you’re totally falling in love with me!”, Alex continued jokingly.

They roared with laughter. They seemed to be two kids happily watching a clown show. They didn’t care whether or not the passersby’s would think of them as crazy party-people who are high on illegal drugs. They didn’t care if their laughs are even louder with the trans-music airing on the background. They didn’t care on anything, anyone. All that matters is this moment. The single picture they’re hoping would last a memory’s lifetime nevertheless knowing it just can never work.

After the laughs came the kiss. Then they said goodbye.

“Sir, this is your stop.”, the taxi driver told Alex. Alex woke from what seems a day dream only that it’s real. How can one sane person let go of this opportunity? Vince may be tangible but how come he seems so far from real? Thoughts twirl on Alex’s head. All he knows is that he’s tired of his work and needs some sense of fulfilment. Neither a tiring unsatisfying event-organizing job nor a boytoy Vince, who doesn’t care about the future, could ever fulfill, unfortunately.

Upon getting out of the cab, he took his first glance at the building of his new job. Even though he knows that happiness fades and love may fail, his future still remains.

To be cont’d