“But all endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time.” – Mitch Albom
What if I decided to die now?
Blame it on boredom or the monotony routine but I just can’t stop imagining myself dying these past few days. Say I died because of a gruesome crime. Well that would be harsh. But at least I get to be controversial – even in death.
And since I didn’t kill myself, I am saved from the fires of Hell. But because, let’s be honest, I was really not a saint while living, I’m not really on St. Peter’s list to enter Heaven. Plus, the mere fact that I also chose to die gives me bad credit to enjoy the fluffy pillows of the Paradise. So the place left for me is the so-called Purgatory.
I dream of Limbo all the time. I imagine it to be a perfect site to pensive people like me. This is the place where people walk endlessly and don’t look back. Unlike in life, you walk and you run but you keep going in circles.
Who would I meet in limbo?
Of course there’s Jeff Stryker. He’s my god way back childhood days – at least for porn, he is. I couldn’t help but wonder what we would be doing. It brings me back down memory lane:
I was 13 and there was Jeff Stryker, on our newly-bought VCD player from Uniwide Sale. My curiosity didn’t disappoint me as I had not wasted any minute from his nth movie “The Prison Hung”. Feeling satisfied and all, I found a reason to go home right away after-school and lock myself in my parents’ room. And even just for those few moments of pleasure, Jeff Stryker consumed my loneliness.
Now here he is – costumed as a prisoner in purgatory. I didn’t have sex with him nor kissed him. Not even talked to him. I just smiled and kept walking, because then I realized that here in limbo, fantasy is possible.
On my next stop I saw a friendly face – one who died because of an incurable disease. He told me how fulfilled he was during his lifetime. He narrated all achievements he got and successes he achieved. But how is it that those words of triumph do not translate to happiness while he spoke?
His voice, ill and chilly, you can compare to a wind swaying a leaf on winter time, as he said:
“If I could go back, I wouldn’t have done it. I would be more careful. Death is unfair. He’ll come to you at the prime of your ecstasy.”
With that I held his cold hands, gently caressed it with my warm fingers. None of us spoke, but his eyes portrayed an understanding. I felt a tear dropped from my eye. And slowly, my friend’s hands become warm again.
I was crying really hard as I left my friend. Regret is powerful. Now I’m not even sure if it’s worth dying when you never accomplished anything. As I think deeply, a little girl came running towards me.
She is about 5, soft wavy hair, fair complexion with big brown eyes and so cute I just couldn’t stop staring. I have never met this little girl but how does she relate to me? Figment of imagination, perhaps. Until she shouted “Dada!”
Goosebumps on my skin. She’s the little girl I somehow planned to have sometime ago. I wanted to have someone I can call my own and would never leave me. I may not have parental nature but my paternal instinct says she’s my baby.
Kim Ysabel. That’s her name, would be her name. I spent the entire hour playing with her. She’s full of life, something I don’t have. After a while I decided to continue walking. The little girl asked if she can come along but I declined. She is better off without me. Here in limbo, I let her go, like I let go of the things that make me happy.
I think people call it sacrifice. I’d say it’s my normal foolish self. I try to expect there will always be something better waiting for me. So I jump from one relationship to another. More often than not I end up falling, all wounded up.
Unexpectedly I caught up with someone I never expected to be here. Funny how you think he’s fully-geared to battle when all he did is break people’s hearts. Bow and arrow on his arms, I asked Cupid why he is here.
“Failure – that’s what I am”, said Cupid. I have this great conviction I am most powerful than anybody else. All I want is that love conquers life. Apparently my worthy cause didn’t translate to goodness.
Power-tripping, that’s what it is. Cocky Cupid never really care about people. He just hit his arrow at any person. Once you’re hit, you’re sure to fall in love: ready or not and oftentimes to the wrong person. And while you’re still healing your broken heart, there he goes again, aiming at you.
I decided to leave Cupid and continue walking. I chanced upon two balloons up in the sky heading towards the same direction. “Soulmates”, I whispered to myself. And there he is – the detailed piece of being from my vivid imagination. I lived to find him, only to realize I was the lost one and needed to be found.
Why is it that I can hear him speaking without him opening his mouth:
“The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we think, even of what we do. We are afraid we will not find love and when we find it, we fear we’ll lose it. We fear if we don’t find love we’ll be unhappy.”
I decided to be unhappy no more. After all, happiness is a decision. I may not be able to control fate and love but happiness, I can. There will be times situations will get me bored and people will make me sad All I can do is wait and smile. Since sometime somehow, I know there will be a lot going on after life.
