The Drought That Is May

“One month was interesting. Two months was numbing. Three months, I’m going out of my mind.” – Miranda, Sex and the City

I hate May.

Sounds ironic since it used to be my favorite month, with all the summer-lovin’ flowers it brings but not this year. I’m actually now thinking of replacing it with any month on the calendar, say the uber-boring-July or the lacklustre-November. Or better yet, not include it at all next year. I know you might wanna ask: why?

I’m single, sun-strained and sex-less.

And it doesn’t get worse than that. Frankly, I’m stressed out. Not just because of the indefensible hot weather but adding to that are my deliverables at work, financial crisis and receding social life. To top it up, I have this terrible itch that not even the strongest percentage of Canesten Cream can cure!

The Big Dump

It all started when I decided to reject Mr. Morayta. I’m sorry. It’s just not working. I don’t think I’m ready yet. Blah blah blah.

Please don’t judge me. The reason I did it is not because I just want to pass the most remarkable “It’s not you, it’s me” and “You deserve more” lines of all time to another human being. To be honest, it was a really long thought-out process. I think it’s not fair if I continue to give him hopes ‘cause I really don’t feel anything special for him. So what’s a girl can do, ayt?

The assuming in me thought I need not worry. That even, I, too, have a right to enjoy these precious moments of solidarity. There are lots of fishes in the sea anyway. But the stupid me, not thinking that the sea of drought was swiftly heading towards my pond.

The 3 B’s

Aside from the normal routine of Booze and BFF’s, I while away my time with a new hobby – Books.

When you have brains as big as Promil child Shaira Luna’s, boys will come hurling towards you – I think I read this from somewhere. So I read and I read a lot of books. From fictions to biographies, entertainment to politics, hard cover to soft copy, local or foreign.

Weeks have passed but still, this big brain didn’t give me sex. Instead, it brought me to a new world. A lot of unlikely places, I met varying types of people. I was transformed into different characters. Monday, I was a vampire thirsting for love, then the day after, I was a Shopaholic New Yorker who gets married. For one week, I get to be a psychopath serial killer and for the rest of the month, I was a conceiving concubine of an Aristocratic heir.

It was enjoyable, I have to agree. But it was pretty tiring, mind you. My mind’s all fuelled up, I felt I need to release this somewhere else. Someplace emancipating.

The Anawangin Escape

How metaphorical is it that a place so virginal is just what I’ve chosen to discharge my bursting emotions. Not comfortably perfect but perfectly relatable. Good thing I didn’t expect much but it was unexpectedly relaxing.

The warm breeze of the summer heat and the cool air of the beach softly blending on my dry skin. No ear-banging music, no money problems, zero toxicity. Just glorious.

I was with friends, so it was not really a retreat. But what’s surprising is I forgot to think of my dilemma while I was there. The sun, sand and the sea removed sex out of my picture temporarily. It was as if all I ever want to do is listen to the sound of the waves, stare at the night sky and let the stars twinkle at me. And all I want to be is here – right at middle of nowhere.

If there’s one thing I learned from the escape is that everything’s not permanent. So as much as it sucked, I bid goodbye to the innocent island. And as I did, rain started to pour, little by little, until all the land got soaked up.

El Nino maybe gone but the itch, still there. The weather can be pretentious but not me: I need a man. Well built, strong, whole. One who can satisfy all carnal motives I have. And I’m really hoping. Really, really hoping, that the surge approaching can fill-up my drought.

Kill d' Jejemons!

One boring night, you decided to cyber-talk (tech term for online chatting), after time immemorial. At sa kamalas-malasan nga naman ng pagkakataon, eto pa ang sasambulat sayo:

1_h0Tti3_xXx: EoW pFuOh!

You: Huh?

1_h0Tti3_xXx: i LLyK tO knOw moR3 bOut u, PwfoH. crE 2 t3ll mE yur N@me? jejejejeje!

You: You are a jejemon! Don't talk to me, you uneducated retard!

1_h0Tti3_xXx: T_T

... to be continued...

Meanwhile, isang araw (actually gabi yun), may 2 friends na nag-meet sa isang lugar kung saan 2 klase lang ng tao ang makikita: badings or social climbers. Sa Starbucks.

A: Hay nakoh anung petsa na?

B: Di ko alam wala akong dalang kalendaryo.

A: Ewan ko sayo! Hmp! (with matching padabog and nguso factor). Lika order na tayo!

B: Ah oorder ba? Kala ko magpapasosyal lang tayo dito.

A: (Dedma). Anong coffee mo? Libre na kita.

B: Now you’re talking! (wala lang palang pera ang hitad, dami pang satsat).

Pagkatapos umorder

B: Siyanga pala, bakit nga ba bigla kang nag-aya magkape? E pwede naman tayong tumambay sa bahay. Just like the old days.

A: That’s exactly my point. I feel like those old days are far gone already.

B: Huh? (nosebleed).

A: What I mean is ang dami ng tao sa buhay natin ang umaalis. Tapos tayo andito pa din.

B: Bakit si V lang naman at tsaka si M ang umalis ah?

A: Yun nga. Bakit kelangan pa na magkahiwa-hiwalay. Nakakalungkot lang na after such a long time na magkakasama tayo, and mind you, those days were really fun. Then all of a sudden, they’re gone. Just like that.

B: Teka medyo senti na tayo ah. Pero diba, kaya sila umalis because of greener pastures? Hindi lang yun basta-basta.

A: I understand. Kaso hindi lang talaga ko sanay na maiwan.

B: Yeah, kahit naman sino. Pero naisip mo ba kung gano naman kasakit para sa kanila ang umalis? Kasi sometimes, as humans, we tend to be selfish and all we think is about ourselves. But then we have to consider it’s probably twice as hard for them to not just leave the people they love but also go somewhere that’s outside of their comfort zone.

A: Point taken. Pero di mo ba naisip na umalis na lang din? Baka iwan mo din ako ah!

B: Of course not. I would never do that to you. We’re BFF’s right?

After almost 2 hours of tsismisan

A: Lika na. Uwi na ko.

B: Ok. Bye!

A: Ba-bye!

Morale: Goodbyes are forever.

Since Saturday night is party night, Paris and Dixie went drinking. At dahil hindi nila kayang lumevel due to budget constraints, napilitan silang mag-bucket na lang ng Red Horse.

Paris: I miss you friend!

Dixie: Miss yah more!

After a sudden silence

Paris & Dixie: Haha!! Tama na plastikan!

Dixie: O sya-sya, musta life? Balita ko you have a masugid suitor from University of Morayta.

Paris: Yeah. He’s nice actually. Cute naman. Kaso I really don’t feel anything special about him.

Dixie: Choosy ka! Pero sabagay, you can’t command the heart. Ako nga, fulfilled sa sex but there’s still something missing.

Paris: Ikaw na ang sex-god! Haha! Pero di mo ba naisip minsan na mag-settle?

Dixie: As of now, hindi pa. Especially pag napiitan ka lang mag-settle just because of pressure dahil tumatanda na. Pero minsan, nakakapagod din. Paulit-ulit na lang.

Paris: Exactly. You meet someone. Fall in love. Fall out of love o kaya break-up. Then meet a new one again. The cycle goes on.

Dixie: I love first dates! Everything seems so magical. Kilig-kiligan lang!

Paris: Yun eh kung like mo ang ka-date mo! What if hindi? What if chakaness?

Dixie: Hmm... Gano kapangit? I think we need to set a standard for kapangitan. Hahaha!

Paris: What if sing-pangit ni **** pero super yaman?

Dixie: As in super?? (eyes sparkling) At kung mag-offer ay mas mataas pa kay banker??

Paris: Deal!!!

Morale: Admit it or not, money sets love standards.

Agent Cutie (AC) is now seatmates with Crush at work. Ok na sana except for one thing - hindi na niya crush si Crush. So let’s name him na lang as Ex-Crush.

Monday

AC: Ui, musta naman ang mga calls mo?

Ex-Crush: Bad trip nga eh! Puro sup calls. Those dumb Canadians!

AC: Easy lang. Because of that, kumain na lang tayo! (sabay hagis ng chips).

Ex-Crush: Wow thanks! (while munching) Buti na lang may swimming kami ni girlfriend this Saturday. At east, I have something to look forward to.

AC: Right. Look at the bright side! (note: walang bitterness ‘to!)

Tuesday

AC: Wow ang aga mo ah.

Ex-Crush: Ang dami ko pa tatapusin na monitors, badtrip!

AC: Ako din. Cueing kasi, pakshet!

Ex-Crush: Oo nga, kaka-stress. Good thing, manunuod kami Iron Man 2 ni girlfriend sa Sunday. Excited na ko!

AC: Correct. Silver lining behind toxic clouds! Hehe (note: wala talagang bitterness ‘to)

At home, while accidentally checking out his cellphone Call Register, Agent Cutie found out he called Ex-Crush last Saturday night – while he’s drunk!

Wednesday

AC: (thinking if he’s going to ask Ex-Crush about what happened last Saturday) Ui, what time daw yung meeting?

Ex-Crush: Not sure eh. Tatawagin naman siguro tayo nung mga yun. Tsaka ang dami ko pang di natatapos. Kasi naman ang hirap pagsabayin mag-calls tsaka mag-monitor. Tapos di pa ko makapag-OT kasi magkikita kami ni girl...

AC: (suddenly butt-in) Ui, tinawagan ba kita nung Saturday night?

Ex-Crush: Ah.. eh.. yup. Bakit nga pala? Sori di ko nasagot ah. I was asleep na at that time. Kasi umalis pa ko after our shift that day. Nag-lunch kami ni girlfriend sa Morato. Favorite niya kasi yung restaurant dun. Tapos nagpasama pa siya pumunta sa...

AC: (smile – what a relief!)

Ex-Crush: Grabe pagod na pagod nga ako nun e. Pero ok lang kasi kasama ko naman si girlfriend. Tsaka after, minasahe naman niya ko. Kasi graduate din siya ng nursing. Mag-take nga siya ng board...

AC: (all he can hear is blah.. blah.. and realizes: kaya pala puro girlfriend ang topic... feeling niya may feelings pa din ako sa kanya!)

Morale: Drunk calling is way more hazardous than drunk driving.

...continuation of the Jejemon experience..

1_h0Tti3_xXx: kZ uR So hOT pE0w! loLz! + __+ ceYR2 ChAt, N0h?

You: What the hell are you still chatting with me? Get your own life for fuck’s sake!

1_h0Tti3_xXx: Nu gWA~ Nio~ pUh Ng@UN, N0H? HoPe~ mgkITA taU 1 tym LOlZ!~ =>> Seb, AnyNe,~ n0H?, <+__+> N0h?~ JEJeJe!!

You: Jejeje mo mukha mo!

You have logged-out.

Chasing Happiness

“Happiness is over-rated. Nobody ever accomplished anything great while they were happy.” – www.glasbergen.com

Good Friday maybe most people's least favorite holiday, but not for me, I find it conveniently practical. The Gloria administration calendar gave us 12 freakin' days in a year to celebrate and waste our hard-earned money to nonsense jubilation so it just makes sense if we can offer this single day to reflect, repent and renew anything worth remembering. If not, just remain silent (or sleep the day off!).

I’ve been thinking why Good Friday relates to sadness. I get that it used to be when Christ was crucified to save the life of Christians. It can also be the bitterness for those unlucky ones who’s got work on this day. Or maybe it’s for those emotionally-binded people who cogitate about how they live and struggle just for the pursuit of a certain elusive thing called happiness. Well I’m just saying.

Cry Baby

Don’t we all remember the moment we first saw the world with our two teeny-tiny button-like baby eyes, we’re already crying our lungs out? Doctors say it’s to check if a new born is normal or there will be another person on earth destined to live miserably due to disability. Some parents just want to satisfy themselves while staring at their babies screaming unnervingly, feeling good they have produced something worthy.

I say the only reason we cried is to know we’re alive. Because in the absence of our sense of thought, we feel the only way to celebrate at that instance is to make such noise, not knowing that for the next 25 years we will soon get tired of crying.

Wander Years

Awkward is putting it under-rated, it’s the period of our lives where everything we do is a mistake. We’re confused: Are we cool enough to kiss someone we like? Do we look good wearing the same outfit as its celebrity endorser? Are we grown-up enough to make life-altering decisions? Do we follow our heart or mind when we love?

Questions like these cause bewilderment and lead to mistakes which turn to sadness. But who created these questions anyway? It’s not wrong to follow the pattern set by adults but it’s absolutely not right to be dictated from our own beliefs, especially if these are what make us happy. Remember, regret is indispensable.

The New Testament

Our vocabulary widened, that’s for sure, and one word that’s not on it is “simple”. We learned that “time” changes every “emotion” and “change” is a great factor in every “feeling”. We become obssessively in-control of our life now yet ironically we still feel emotionally damaged everytime. Like there’s always something missing in our jigsaw puzzle.

The adrenaline is still intact but you notice it’s not for the right reasons. You all of a sudden feel the rush of a ticking pressuring clock.

We get tired of working, we feel strained partying. Worst can come and we surrender loving. But if there’s one sure thing this 20 effin’ years has taught me, it’s that we will never ever give up on running, finding, attaining, chasing happiness.

Thank god it’s Good Friday. My time didn’t get trashed out on anything senseless.

Ode Avec Moi

To myself (one year from now),

How are you? I hope your ok. Not that I’m worried since if there’s one thing I know about you is that you are a survivor. It’s true, time flies so fast and so many things have happened from the time I’m writing this and you reading it. I’m not going to make a fuss anymore all the possibilities that can turn out from that one year gap. It’s endless.

Remember when you started your training on your new job? You don’t know anyone. But instead of being scared, you thought this will be the best time to experiment about yourself. True, you are confident but you have insecurities as well. That includes your current relationship. During that time, you knew it was nearing the end but when it’s time to finalize it, you felt the world stumbling down on you. You cried your heart out. Afraid of not finding love again.

Then you met him. He was just one of the crowd during the first few days but after a while, he’s the only one who stand out in your eyes. Blame no one, but the assuming in you thought you can be together. You tried erasing the picture of him being your boyfriend several times but the exact same thoughts keep coming back and wanting for more. You find yourself head over heels for him. Like your adornment for a pair of shoes you once saw while shopping, but whatever you do, still you can’t buy it because it just doesn’t fit your feet. And you promise yourself there will be some other nice shoes some other time.

You may or may not get a job promotion. Actually, I’m not even sure if you’re still in the same company. I guess no one really knows it. As Peyton Sawyer once said in One Tree Hill, “people always leave”. But no matter how you’re used to parting ways, you still get sad everytime you close a chapter. Nonetheless, you still live, however fucked up the situation is. And that’s why I’m proud of you. As the saying goes “The brave may only live once but the cautious will not live at all.”

You, may not be brave. But you are definitely a survivor.

XoXo