“It’s so much
freedom all at once, it’s beginning to feel like severe loneliness.”
-- Rachel
Berry, Glee
I. Living Out
I did it, finally. It’s
the start of a new era, the promise of the golden days. The glint of sunrise
peeking into my new life. I’ve been wearingly waiting for this moment. They say
you cannot call yourself an adult if you haven’t moved out. Of course, college
dorms don’t count. It’s when you live singlehandedly. Go by your own rules.
Freed yourself from any soul other than your own. I dreamt of this space. Then
I have it. So, what now?
The master of my own
universe. It was liberating. Was used
as an operating term. In theory, I can do whatever I want. I can dance around
naked, laugh my heart out watching the stupidest movies; and cry till my eyes
pop listening to emo songs. I can eat standing up, strut ala Victoria’s Secret
model and sing like it’s the last day of my life. Funny thing is, all these
crazy stuffs look so promising at first. Then I’m done. And they all just look
plain crazy.
II. Staying In
Sure I have all my
outrageous friends to fill up my independent living. We party out the hardest
and we chill-in the best. Oh how I treasure those weekends when all we do is be
silly and do not care what anyone perceives of our insanity. But you get to a
point of everybody leaving, heading back to their own usual lives. While you stay.
Alone and waiting for the end of another boring day.
The days seem to be dragging,
I notice. Blame it on the science of ageing, but I discovered that my bed is
now my favorite place on earth and my pillow hugs the tightest. TV is my new
bestfriend and my fridge can store almost anything edible or non-digestible.
The lazy genes now flow in my veins. My list of what to do, where to go, what
to eat and who to meet almost always remain pending. I have the plan. The will
just gets in the way.
III. Moving On
It has been three months
from the move out. I met new people. Some were inconsistent, others erratic,
and a few remain constant. But there is this one who stuck the most. As cliché
as it may sound, he was there when I least expected it. Yet there still seems
to be a problem I can’t figure out. He’s everything I’ve been looking for: The
stand, the sex, the stability. Maybe it’s not him. Maybe it was me who’s wrong.
Oh yes, I know now. I’m not vulnerable enough. Or at least not yet.
Times have been lost.
Hearts were broken. Finances go downhill. Some of the lessons I learned from
this experience. Sure, it hasn’t ended, and there will be more crying to
expect. A lot of dragging days will continue to surpass one over another. But I don’t lose hope. Because I know that
friends will still be there to make me laugh. My TV, fridge and bed are not
going anywhere. And maybe, just maybe, the One will stay and wait till I’m
ready.
For everything that’s
worth, I am now independent.
