I
close my eyes, then I drift away, into the magic night I softly say. A silent
prayer, like dreamers do, then I fall asleep to dream my dreams of you. – Roy
Orbison
I’ve been having
weird dreams lately. Funny thing is, every one of them has solid endings. I don’t
get those cliché cliffhangers before waking up. Like how an entire TV show played
its series finale without showing the credits. Like how an author finished a
novel without an epilogue. I am in rage. I find it totally unfair not to give
me a chance to make my own interpretation of my dreams, more so not being able
to create my own endings.
But nothing is
really fair, is it? Karma is only consequential to situations that already happened,
to things that we already did. The real question still remains. After all the failed
relationships, lost friendships, broken dreams. All the heartaches, the downhills
and rock bottoms:
Do we
deserve it?
You may make good life choices, at least you think they are. You enter
into a relationship. You feel you deserve this person. Afterwards, you find
yourself in unpleasant situations all the time. Why? Is it karma? No, it’s
fate. Because even if you have a choice, it can and will be taken away from you.
We're all fate's bitches. We might as well go ahead and bend over for destiny
now.
It’s not even desperation. But when you find no answer, you lose hope.
You feel like you're the only one in the world who's struggling, who's frustrated,
unsatisfied, or barely getting by. It’s just but human nature to long for that
piece of raylight who can help us. Who can remind us that it won’t always be
this way.
Comparison is worst when you’re at the base of the wheel. You try to
figure out for an explanation behind all the unjustice. If he can have a perfect
life, why the fuck can’t you? Sometimes, there is nothing harder but be happy
for somebody else’s happiness.
As a result, denial creeps into you. You deny that you’re
jealous, you’re scared, and how badly you want your dreams to come true. The
most terrible thing is when you deny that you’re in denial. You only see what
you want to see and believe what you want to believe, and it works. You deny so
much that you can't recognize the truth anymore.
It just does make no sense. Maybe that’s how it’s
supposed to be. After all, feelings are unexplainable. They happen just to make
you all confused. They drive you around for hours and then leave you right
where you started, grasping for more questions.
So I dream. I wake up every day with list of dreams a
mile long and maybe, I spend my life trying to make those dreams come true.
Then again, the universe will get everything all screwed up. Chance, chaos,
coincidence, and all that jazz. I can exert all effort but there’s no assurance
I can get an inch closer to absolute happiness. At the end of the day, it all
boils down to fate. And if I’m lucky,
I mean if I’m the luckiest person on this entire planet, the ending for my
dreams can be created by me.
