The Independent Heart

“It’s so much freedom all at once, it’s beginning to feel like severe loneliness.”

-- Rachel Berry, Glee

I. Living Out

I did it, finally. It’s the start of a new era, the promise of the golden days. The glint of sunrise peeking into my new life. I’ve been wearingly waiting for this moment. They say you cannot call yourself an adult if you haven’t moved out. Of course, college dorms don’t count. It’s when you live singlehandedly. Go by your own rules. Freed yourself from any soul other than your own. I dreamt of this space. Then I have it. So, what now?

The master of my own universe. It was liberating. Was used as an operating term. In theory, I can do whatever I want. I can dance around naked, laugh my heart out watching the stupidest movies; and cry till my eyes pop listening to emo songs. I can eat standing up, strut ala Victoria’s Secret model and sing like it’s the last day of my life. Funny thing is, all these crazy stuffs look so promising at first. Then I’m done. And they all just look plain crazy.

II. Staying In

Sure I have all my outrageous friends to fill up my independent living. We party out the hardest and we chill-in the best. Oh how I treasure those weekends when all we do is be silly and do not care what anyone perceives of our insanity. But you get to a point of everybody leaving, heading back to their own usual lives. While you stay. Alone and waiting for the end of another boring day.

The days seem to be dragging, I notice. Blame it on the science of ageing, but I discovered that my bed is now my favorite place on earth and my pillow hugs the tightest. TV is my new bestfriend and my fridge can store almost anything edible or non-digestible. The lazy genes now flow in my veins. My list of what to do, where to go, what to eat and who to meet almost always remain pending. I have the plan. The will just gets in the way.

III. Moving On

It has been three months from the move out. I met new people. Some were inconsistent, others erratic, and a few remain constant. But there is this one who stuck the most. As cliché as it may sound, he was there when I least expected it. Yet there still seems to be a problem I can’t figure out. He’s everything I’ve been looking for: The stand, the sex, the stability. Maybe it’s not him. Maybe it was me who’s wrong. Oh yes, I know now. I’m not vulnerable enough. Or at least not yet.

Times have been lost. Hearts were broken. Finances go downhill. Some of the lessons I learned from this experience. Sure, it hasn’t ended, and there will be more crying to expect. A lot of dragging days will continue to surpass one over another.  But I don’t lose hope. Because I know that friends will still be there to make me laugh. My TV, fridge and bed are not going anywhere. And maybe, just maybe, the One will stay and wait till I’m ready.

For everything that’s worth, I am now independent.

A Gay CAn Dream

I close my eyes, then I drift away, into the magic night I softly say. A silent prayer, like dreamers do, then I fall asleep to dream my dreams of you. – Roy Orbison

I’ve been having weird dreams lately. Funny thing is, every one of them has solid endings. I don’t get those cliché cliffhangers before waking up. Like how an entire TV show played its series finale without showing the credits. Like how an author finished a novel without an epilogue. I am in rage. I find it totally unfair not to give me a chance to make my own interpretation of my dreams, more so not being able to create my own endings.

But nothing is really fair, is it? Karma is only consequential to situations that already happened, to things that we already did. The real question still remains. After all the failed relationships, lost friendships, broken dreams. All the heartaches, the downhills and rock bottoms:

Do we deserve it?

You may make good life choices, at least you think they are. You enter into a relationship. You feel you deserve this person. Afterwards, you find yourself in unpleasant situations all the time. Why? Is it karma? No, it’s fate. Because even if you have a choice, it can and will be taken away from you. We're all fate's bitches. We might as well go ahead and bend over for destiny now.

It’s not even desperation. But when you find no answer, you lose hope. You feel like you're the only one in the world who's struggling, who's frustrated, unsatisfied, or barely getting by. It’s just but human nature to long for that piece of raylight who can help us. Who can remind us that it won’t always be this way.

Comparison is worst when you’re at the base of the wheel. You try to figure out for an explanation behind all the unjustice. If he can have a perfect life, why the fuck can’t you? Sometimes, there is nothing harder but be happy for somebody else’s happiness.

As a result, denial creeps into you. You deny that you’re jealous, you’re scared, and how badly you want your dreams to come true. The most terrible thing is when you deny that you’re in denial. You only see what you want to see and believe what you want to believe, and it works. You deny so much that you can't recognize the truth anymore.

It just does make no sense. Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. After all, feelings are unexplainable. They happen just to make you all confused. They drive you around for hours and then leave you right where you started, grasping for more questions.

So I dream. I wake up every day with list of dreams a mile long and maybe, I spend my life trying to make those dreams come true. Then again, the universe will get everything all screwed up. Chance, chaos, coincidence, and all that jazz. I can exert all effort but there’s no assurance I can get an inch closer to absolute happiness. At the end of the day, it all boils down to fate. And if I’m lucky, I mean if I’m the luckiest person on this entire planet, the ending for my dreams can be created by me.